Birth is a momentous occasion, and not just for the parents. Your baby faces some of the biggest changes they will face in their life time. Imagine how it feels. Going from a warm, safe sanctuary, where you can only hear a glimpse of the world beyond, to a bright world full of noises, textures and other people. Overwhelming right?
For our babies the fourth trimester is truly about recovering from birth, bonding with parents and becoming accustomed to this strange world they are a part of. It occurred to me in this period that there is a distinct lack of empathy in the modern world when it comes to newborns. Babies are born, expected to adapt and if they don’t they are labelled as unruly or problematic. I’ve lost count of the times people have praised Aria for being “a good natured baby”, endless people exclaiming how calm she is and how lucky we are. To some extent, her behaviour will be down to her personality, but the biggest contributor to her calm demeanour in my mind is something everybody can practice, compassion.
Emotional Challenges
Just like their mothers, babies are affected by their birthing experience and need time to recover. I know with Aria, after a very stressful and traumatic delivery, we were both a bit shell shocked and needed some time to process what had happened. It was far from the calm, serene experience I had planned (Read my birth story here). I held her tightly and tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok, I didn’t want her to be passed around like a present at a party. After all, a baby has only truly known their mother for the past 9 months, so the sudden appearance of other people can be frightening to say the least! The fourth trimester is a crucial time for bonding, so in those first few months spend as much time cuddling and holding your baby, as much as you can! Don’t be afraid to step in on their behalf and refuse the endless stream of visitors. This is a special time for both parents and baby. Visitors can wait.
In the hospital Aria was restless, especially at night when they insisted we place her in the cot to sleep, unlike other parents we refused to let her cry to “make her get used to it”, and so instead spent shifts holding her whilst the other slept. Yes it was exhausting and yes we got strange looks but at the end of the day Aria felt secure, safe and happy and that’s all that mattered. It doesn't matter what other people think, its perfectly acceptable to be 'selfish' and protective during this time, that's how nature intended it!
From day one I knew I would never agree with ‘traditional parenting’. The notion of expecting a newborn to sleep on their own , or to understand adult custom is alien to me. They know nothing of adult expectations and are simply acting on instinct. All they need is reassurance and love. I kept reading articles on how babies can become ‘clingy’ or ‘demanding’, to me this was absurd. Prior to birth they have no demands to make other than the odd position change. Food is on tap, there is no need for nappies and they feel warm and secure. Yet they are thrown into this world and expected to conform to standards. Babies have to find a way to communicate their new needs to their parents and there is only one way they can do this, crying. Mothers instinctively react to their babies cries, it happens in all species. So why have humans deemed it acceptable to frown upon this response? Every time Aria cried it was for a reason. Babies are incapable of being “naughty” or “spoilt”. They cry because they need you to help them and there is nothing wrong with responding to every cry! In fact, studies have recently shown that babies who are left to cry for a prolonged period of time can experience emotional difficulties later in life and are more prone to aggression. I’m sure if you were to play a game with someone where you couldn’t speak or use hand gestures to indicate what you would like, you would get frustrated pretty quickly, so why expect anything else from your baby? Those first three months are an emotional rollercoaster for both you and your baby. Times will be hard and you will feel like you have no idea what you are doing, but neither do they! Just take each day as it comes and be patient with each other.
Physical Challenges
In addition to emotional challenges, your baby also faces some enormous physical challenges. Human babies, in comparison to many other species are completely dependent on their parents for survival. Their eyesight is appalling, not being able to see more than a few feet in front of them, their hearing struggles to identify individual tones and the snug space of your womb has been replaced with an endless expanse of air. During these first three months you can help them transition by keeping them close at all times, either carrying them or in a sling to make them feel more secure, as well as being mindful that the world right now is a bit fuzzy and loud. Allow them time to process their environment and be careful not to overstimulate them. Aria used to love laying in her poddle pod by the window watching the shapes of light moving outside, or watching high contrast shapes on YouTube videos. At this stage it’s all about adjusting to their new world and the rapid developments that occur during this period. So just take everything slowly and try not to become frustrated if your baby reacts to everything, you have seen this world for many years, to them it’s all brand new. From the feel of clothing on their skin, to strange noises around the house, it all causes a physical reaction and it won’t always be positive.
How To Help Your Baby Through The Fourth Trimester
With so many new experiences and learning curves around the corner, there are a number of things you can do to help your baby and yourself through the fourth trimester.
As I mentioned before, patience and compassion is key! Not just for your baby either! You are recovering too and deserve just as much care and love!
Hold your baby as much as you can, and when you cant hold them carry them in a sling.
Skin to skin contact with both mother and father will help your baby feel secure as well as regulate their temperature, breathing and feeding. We found arias breathing would often match that of mine or my partner's during skin to skin!
Feed on demand. Babies don't work by text book, no matter if the formula or internet says your baby should feed so many times a day, each baby is different. Even now at 7 months old we often are shocked to find Aria still hungry after we have just fed her.
Relax and enjoy the little things. You may not be happy watching the housework pile up, but try to let it slide. This time is crucial for you and your baby. Enjoy those long afternoon cuddles and time spent just playing together.
Incorporating all or even just some of these tips, along with compassion will surely help you and baby navigate through the fourth trimester. Remember that you are recovering and your body needs time to heal, so don't feel ashamed to ask for help from family and friends if you feel like it! But at the same time, as I said earlier, don't be afraid to turn away visitors and simply enjoy this precious time with your baby! It is so true that this time will simply fly by. Blink and you will miss it! So take time to breathe in that new baby smell, cuddle whenever you can, and remember you are both new to this! You will do an amazing job!
How did you find the fourth trimester? Are you currently in it now? Do you have any tips for new mums out there?