The big day arrives, that moment you have been waiting 9 months for is just around the corner. Everyone has their own unique views fatherhood and how your life is going to change after having the baby. But, there is one thing that no one ever seems to mention. How the 9 months of pregnancy affects you, as a father.
It all starts the same way for most, that little inkling of your partner (or in our case me) that it might be worth taking a pregnancy test just in case. But from that moment life changes in two very different ways. One, the mothers experience of pregnancy, is spoken about widely, views are shared and debated. Then there is the other side of the story, the dads side. It all starts with the partner telling you that they are pregnant and it is a day, I personally, will never forget.
We had just come back from a holiday and during the whole holiday my partner had been feeling unwell but couldn’t quite describe it. I suggested it would be worth taking a pregnancy test to rule it out, hoping that it would come back negative, because I was certainly not ready for a child.
That’s where it all changed. We got the test and my partner went off to the bathroom whilst I sat anxious waiting hoping everything would be fine. But that’s when she came out and reality hit me in the face. We went through and discussed every possible scenario and if you’ve read my partners previous posts (click here to read her pregnancy post) you will know that we ended up going to an abortion clinic. To me, it felt awful, but I also had it in my mind that it was the right decision in the long term. So we got to the clinic, went in and the sonographer says that you’re not allowed to see the screen of the ultrasound in case it influences decisions. But the truth is it’s not hidden away and hearing those first beats from the babies heart I just had to have a look. It was at that moment, that first image, that I knew we were not going ahead with the abortion. I could tell by the look on my partners face that she was thinking the same. The sonographer confirmed we were approximately 10 weeks and 4 days, so we left the clinic, discussed it further and confirmed what we both already knew. We were having a baby. Not out of planning, but more out of choice in the end. That is where the 27 weeks for us started.
The first real challenge that you come across as new parents is how to tell your family your expecting. For me, I found it easier to tell my partners parents than my own, as I’m sure most people would. We organised a way to tell them that made it easier and less serious. We placed a scroll of paper into a bottle with the due date and a copy of the scan picture so that they had to work it out rather than us simply telling them. We did it in the same way for both families and to be totally honest this was probably the main reason I wasn’t a total wreck. I was so nervous and worried, but I knew that I didn’t have to say anything and just had to hand them the bottle. I would totally recommend it if you are worried yourself about telling family. Once the family are told, that’s it it’s out in the open. There is no more hiding it and all of a sudden it’s all questions and fuss. Again this is where the two distinct paths are clear, because all of that attention and fuss is directed at one person in particular, the Mum.
I’m not saying that it’s easy for the Mum and I completely understand that without them it would never happen. I will always have the utmost respect and admiration for what they do, but I still believe that the Dad should have more support throughout the pregnancy. When it comes to those first nine months, it is just not the mums that are affected. Dads are put under various pressures too. The pressure of being ready, of looking after your partner, more so than ever, anxious hospital trips and in some cases wondering about what happened during the trip.
The hospital trips were possibly my worst part. Yes, it was amazing knowing and being able to see the babies development but it was also stressful and nerve racking. We didn’t have the easiest pregnancy, as has been shown in my partners previous blogs (see the Trying Trimesters post), but even a normal pregnancy in my mind would be stressful. Is the baby developing correctly? Has there been any abnormalities found?
Away from the hospital, there’s also the important role of helping the Mum as much as you can. Making her comfortable, doing as much around the house as possible as well as work on the side. This takes its toll in the long run and can lead to extreme tiredness but you continue because you know that you need to support your partner.
In truth there are many difficulties that are encountered in the three trimesters of pregnancy and yes the effects on the woman far exceed that of the mans, but from personal experience there is not enough support for the father, who in the grand scheme of things seem to be forgotten. The one piece of advice I would give to every father out there is don’t be afraid to talk about how you’re feeling or if your struggling. Your partner is there to support you too and discussing it with healthcare professionals can help. Whether it’s to put your mind at ease about the pregnancy itself or giving advice on things to do to help you cope. Just make sure that no matter what you support your partner because in the end no matter what your going through as a result your partner is probably going through the same and they have to grow an entire baby as well, which is no easy feat!
Next week I will be discussing a fathers perspective on labour and birth! Subscribe to the news letter to receive the articles straight to your inbox every Saturday!