Tantrums. Breakdowns. Overwhelming moments. There are many names for the times when our little ones experience strong emotions and many mothers feel like they don’t know where to turn. Anxiety and stress set in, causing that one instinct we have all felt. How do we get them to stop crying? How do we make them Happy again?
Most of the time babies are simply communicating their need for food, changing of a nappy or tiredness. But what happens in those moments where nothing seems to work? Those moments where you feel as if you could tear your hair out and it almost seems personal that this little human won’t stop crying no matter what you do. My answer to this: mindfulness and compassion.
As a mother of a feisty, independent six month old, I know just how hard it can be in those moments. I would feel the stress rising within me, the calm disappearing out the window. I was becoming a reflection of her outburst. Quickly I learnt that this was not the most effective way of handling such a combustible situation. My daughter needed a calm presence to reassure her, not to be met by a flurry of emotions. This prompted me to research what exactly was happening at these moments. Why did it seem like all hope was lost?
I was met with a barrage of information. Article, upon article about the physiological changes that occurred in our little ones heads. I was amazed. Obviously they are learning to navigate the whole world around them, everything is new and sometimes scary. But I didn’t expect the answer I was given. They simply cannot comprehend or regulate the strong emotions they experience. Their brains are simply not mature enough yet. As a result, when they experience a surge of emotion they do not know how to process it and so react in the only way they know how. An outburst of tears and frustration.
Looking back, it was obvious. My little girl sat there screaming and upset, not because she needed food or changing, but because she needed reassurance. A guiding hand to help her navigate through these emotions she was experiencing. Not a frustrated mother trying to stop the crying. But rather acceptance and understanding that this wasn’t personal. I started to change the way I saw these moments. When they arose, I took a breath, centred myself, then met her with a calm front. Phrases such as “It’s ok. I understand you’re upset because ..... and your frustrated because you can’t express how you feel” and “I’m here for you” alongside the calm face seemed to have an astonishing effect. She knew I accepted her emotions, even the ‘negative ‘ ones, it was ok to feel the way she did and I was there as a calm role model to help her through it.
They say motherhood is all about learning on the job. That our children are our greatest teachers. Nothing could be more accurate. Nobody prepares you for these moments, often statements such as “oh she is just acting out” or “she is just doing it for attention” are carelessly thrown about. In many circumstances, the emotions of the child are completely forgot about, compassion is lost and it becomes a battle of control, how the parents think the child should be behaving and the child’s struggle to comprehend their emotions. It is an unnecessary battle that can cause so much suffering on both parts. If more parents took a mindful approach to these situations, took a moment to collect and remain passive, I believe there would be a lot less stress in parenting!
We need to stop taking ownership of our children, something I will cover in a future post, and start accepting them for the individuals they are with their own emotions and thoughts. We are there to guide them and help them learn to understand that it’s ok not to be ok. That we accept them for who they are, even if they are having an off day, and being mindful can drastically help with that. How many of you have faced similar situations? What techniques have you found to help both you and your little one through it? Have you tried any mindful techniques during these moments? Please comment below, it would be great to hear your experiences!
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